Back to Spring
by cassielassie
Summary: Hermione explains her disappearance to Draco and all the feelings that went along with it.


I remember a day when I was happy. When everything around me was perfect and all I could ever imagine was coming home and seeing your smiling face. Your grey eyes, full of warmth as you took in my tousled look after a day at the ministry. You would run your piano thin fingers across my cheek, rising goose bumps up and down my arms. Every little action was to let me know that I was yours and yours alone. He wouldn't share me with anyone and I would have never dreamed of sharing him with everyone. Our world was perfect. I couldn't imagine it any other way. Why would I want to? Despite our differences, our past, everything we had down together was…absolutely perfect.

My fondest memory has to be one of the numerous times I came home in tears, upset by some various happening at work. As if knowing I would be coming home in such a state, you had everything set out for us. A romantic dinner for two complete with candlelight, violin music playing softly in the background, and the lights dimmed. We ate one of the numerous Italian dishes that you were so good at making and drank our wine. Draco, the look on your face when I walked in that door. I can never forget it. I could almost feel the warmth of your arms before they even wrapped around me comforting me more than I could imagine. To be honest – it terrified me. How much comfort I could take from someone, when we had not even been together for an entire year? I was 22 years old. Moving through the ranks quickly at the Ministry. Yet you. You alone knew exactly how to unnerve me. Every moment felt like the last moment we would share, even though I knew it would not be. Kissing you felt like the first time every time. My heart beat for you. I longed for your touch and caress.

Draco, you need to understand. How completely something like that could unnerve me. I had NEVER felt like this before. All those years I had dated Ronald felt juvenile and idiotic. I had thought I was in love then. But that feeling paled to what I felt when I was with you. When I was with you….I felt like nothing could destroy me. You would protect me from everything, no matter what came at us. Even when people dogged us for being together, two people who weren't supposed to fall in love. We changed. The war changed us, growing up changed us. The deaths of those near us changed us. We could not stay in the stereotypical roles everyone had always imagined us in. And it killed people to see us. They tried to fight it. The howlers, the letters, the complaints, the words. People were calling me a mudblood and you, you of all people, were the one standing up for me. Even when Ronald showed up drunk at my house, the first week we were dating, you were there for me. Making everything better. You sent him away without hurting him, without hurting me.

The only time I had ever seen someone stand up like that was my father for my mother when her parents would beret her for being a working mom and Harry. He almost lost everything because he wanted all of us to have a better life. I often felt like that was what you were doing to me. It took me only a few months to realize that I loved you. Utterly, completely, and incoherently. I had fallen in love with my childhood bully. You treated me like no other, like there was no one else in the world. We moved in together, a huge decision for me after Ronald. We talked of marriage, but very lightly, both of us worried about such a connection. But it was alright, because we had each other and the now was all that mattered. For a year or more we lived happily, you reading my moods and always knowing exactly what it was that I needed or wanted. But then, we got older. I still loved you. I still do. But I wanted things from life that you were not ready for. They terrified you. They terrified me. But I wanted these things in my life. The want for them almost over powered my want for you.

I wanted a ring. A wedding. A cottage in the country that was our own. A garden. I wanted a family pet to begin with. I wanted to start a family – I wanted children. Little Draco's and Hermione's running around the house, causing mayhem. I wanted them to receive their letters for Hogwarts and be so proud of them that I thought I would burst. I wanted you to excel in your writing so that my heart would swell in pride at the brilliant family I had. Three children – I didn't think it was too much to ask. I could imagine all of this with you. I could imagine growing old on the front porch together, our grandchildren coming to visit us. But you couldn't. You couldn't imagine committing to something so serious, even though you insisted that I was the only person that could possibly fill you with happiness for the rest of your life. I couldn't understand how you could know something like that and not want to get married. I was willing to hold off on the children for a few years, as long as we could get married. But even that scared you off.

Do you remember that night? The screaming and yelling. I'm sorry for throwing the plates at you, but I was terrified. You were so adamant against children, against marriage, against everything I had imagined. I could never tell you why it was that I brought it up that night. I had been stressed that whole week, and for once, you were wrong about the source. You assumed it was because of some crazy thing that had happened at work. It was nothing to worry about because everything would work out and I would get that promotion. That wasn't the reason, Draco. How I wish it had been so we could have stayed together.

Once you had gone to bed, that's when I made my decision. If you could not see us in a life like that, I was not going to force you into one. I quickly used my wand to pack everything up. I left you a short note not really explaining much of anything. I felt I could not explain this to you. Can't you see now why I left? The answer is so obvious, I can see it in your eyes.

I was pregnant. All of the arguments, the hoping, the…just everything. Somehow or another, I had become pregnant. And you had insisted you did not want that life yet. I could never force something like that on you that you were not ready for. I couldn't tell you in fear of you running away from me as fast as you could possibly run. So I left you. I had to be the one to make the decision. I would rather hate myself for leaving you than hate you for leaving me and the child you would never know. I never told you about him. I couldn't. We fled for America and lived among witches and wizards there. It was easier – not as many people knew me to be Hermione Granger, side kicked to the Boy-Who-Defeated-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I made easy lies about why I was pregnant and alone. I lived in peace. And then….he was born.

Oh, if only you could have been there with me that day. I know you would have fallen in love with him the moment he was born. He was absolutely perfect. It took me sometime to name him that day. I had hardly thought about that actual moment. My planning had revolved around other things. But at that moment. The center of my life automatically became Andrew. Andrew Christopher. He has your last name though, did you know that? Andrew Christopher Malfoy. I knew one day I would bring him back and introduce him to you. He was a Malfoy, there was no way to refute it. He deserved to carry on the name. You would have wanted it, even if you were terrified of the child. So I did. No one knows who the Malfoys' are in America, did you know that? It was almost too perfect.

But I became homesick. After having the baby, even though I loved him, I wanted to see my parents. I wanted to see Ginny and Harry. I wanted to be back in Britain. After Andrew turned a year old, I talked to the American Ministry and managed to get it where I was able to transfer back to England after two months of vacation. I lived with my parents for a while – they were so excited to have a grandbaby, even if I would not tell them about the father. My dad initially thought it would be Ronald's, but my mom pointed out to him the mistake immediately. While any baby of his would have fiery red hair, this one had hair so blonde it almost appeared white. I got away with hiding his identity for so long. I never had to give out his last name. Then Ginny found out I was back in England. She surprised me at my parents house one day while they were gone. Andrew was one year and seven months by this point and I was due back to work in a month. She apparated directly into the house, so there was no chance to hide Andrew. To explain. She hadn't even known I was pregnant, Draco. I could see the pain on her face. Then she noted the blonde hair. The first words out of her mouth were "You left because Malfoy knocked you up." She thought you had made me leave and God knows how much I argued against it. Ginny finally accepted what I said and let me explain what had happened. She sat for a while, Andrew staring solemnly up into her eyes from her lap.

This was the worst part for me. I was ready to hear her judgment. But she never judged me. "Even if he has his father's hair, he has your eyes Hermione. And the stubborn chin, but you both have that, so there's no telling which side he got it from." She laughed then. "A blonde child with honey colored eyes. I don't know if I have ever seen that before. Everyone is going to know whose child he is, Hermione. You aren't going to be able to hide it." I swallowed. I had known this all along, hadn't I? I knew that by coming back to England, I risked exposing everything I had worked so hard to hide.

The day before I was due back at work, I decided to take Andrew to Diagon Alley. Stopping at Tift's Tea seemed naturally – we had done it so many times in the past. I never thought…well, maybe I had hoped. Maybe I had hoped I would see you in here. Accidental. It would be the best way to break the news, wouldn't it? I'm not sure now.

I was aware of you the moment you walked in those doors. You looked the same. And my immediate reaction was to jump up and throw myself into your arms, and cry. Because I have missed you so much. And loved you so much. And needed you to comfort me. But I didn't. I held myself in place very still, Andrew munching on a cookie that I had deemed soft enough for him. I watched you order your tea, ignoring the girl flirting with you. I watched you turn around and your eyes sweep automatically to our table. The table I was sitting at. You froze. I didn't know what to do, Draco. I wanted to smile, run at you, kiss you, hug you, tell you how much I missed you. But I just sat there. I don't think you had seen Andrew at this point. Pain crossed your face. God, that killed me. To see pain on your face. To know I had caused you. But you walked over to me. You walked over and I stood up slowly. Once you stood in front of me….I lost control. I threw my arms around you, not being careful about the tea. I felt you set it down as you buried your face into my hair. I cried so hard. I missed your smell, your arms, your hug, your face, everything about you. My heart was swelling with the happiness I had forgotten about. The hole I hadn't realized was there filled up and for the first time in a while, everything felt COMPLETELY perfect.

I could tell the moment you noticed Andrew. You completely tensed up. What was I supposed to do? I leaned away from you, unwrapped my arms. I looked at your face. I could see the gears calculating his age. When I left. The hair, the eyes, everything about him. So I picked him up. He looked at you and I think he immediately knew you were his father because he reached out for you. For a split second, I feared you would deny him. But you didn't. You surprised me. You took him into his arms, and he immediately wrapped himself around you, setting his head down on your shoulders, thumb in his mouth. You looked at me, so many questions in your eyes.

"His name is Andrew…" I hesitated, but continued. "Andrew Christopher…Malfoy." I stood up straight, determined to not let my fear show. You simply reached out with your free hand and wiped away the stray tear I didn't know was there.

For a few moments, we stood there in this silence. Neither wanting to break it. I couldn't identify what was about to happen, but everything felt perfect at that very moment. And then you opened your mouth. "I would never have left you. I would have been terrified. But, Gods Hermione, I would have stayed. I wish you had told me." Without knowing it, I had been staring at the ground, expecting to hear words of scorn. I looked up, completely startled. You had tears in your eyes. You were clutching Andrew like he was your lifeline.

Never in a million years could I have imagined everything working out this way. It felt right though. Seeing his blonde hair on your shoulder, only slightly darker. The way he clutched you like he had known you forever. Everything felt right. It felt perfect. And I was so excited to be back with you. But I had to stop my train of thought – though you had taken Andrew into your heart like he had always been there, you might not take me back. So absorbed in this tragic line of thought, I almost didn't hear your words. Confused, I looked up at you, and you smiled as you realized I hadn't heard you.

"I love him. I love you. I miss you every moment of every day. I always wandered what I had done to make you run away from me. But you're back now. And I'm ready for everything I couldn't imagine. Marry me, Hermione?"

Of course I said yes. I started bawling. You set Andrew down in his stroller and pulled me into your arms, kissing me so deeply I thought I would die from a heart attack. It was then that I realized that I could never be apart from you begin. You were my heart, my soul, my life just as much as Andrew was. I had made a mistake leaving you once, but never again.

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this. You know most of the story. But Draco, I needed you to understand why. And what better time than during our vows? A time when I'm supposed to confess to you why I love you so much. And I do love you Draco. My heart beats for you every day, even when you do something so ridiculous I want to slap you. I love you every minute of every day. And I'm so excited to live my life as your wife. For the rest of our lives.


End file.
